Burning cleanses…right? Out in the wilderness, if survival shows on cable are to be trusted…when you cut yourself, you’re supposed to cauterize the wound, correct? It doesn’t come without some pain, that’s for sure, but I suppose it’s not the temporary pain which is the goal, but the long term effects of stopping the bleeding, or cleansing the wound of bacteria, or whatever.
I could be wrong. I probably am. I usually am.
Point is, when the burn happens, it hurts like hell, and you can’t really see past that point to a time where it won’t hurt. It hurts right now, and it’s bad, and if it’s bad enough, you know it’s gonna leave a scar. The longer and hotter the burn, the bigger and deeper the scar, even if it’s done to help you in the long run.
I can’t see past my pain today.
That’s how anxiety and depression works, at least for me. It burns. My heart races. I breath too shallow. But instead of making me stronger, it weakens me in the long run. The scar left behind makes that spot weaker, more prone to future injury.
What’s that thing in psychology where they talk about how many competing stresses are acting on you at any given time? I can’t remember, I’ve got too much going on right now. Too many things to worry about. I can’t really see a way out right now, or an end to any of it. My stupid masculinity keeps telling me to try and fix things…to make them right…because that’s what society tells me, as a man, father, husband, or whatever, is supposed to do. But mostly, any action I take ends up just making things worse. This is when words from my childhood invade my mind and say things like “don’t worry, just pray…give up and give your worry to God…you did this to yourself anyway…ask for forgiveness and all will be well with your soul.” But I don’t think God has a bank account for me to draw from, or can insure my home.
Right. Ok. That was just rude of me. Moving on…