I envy confident people, I really do. I envy people who have the ability to just do what they love, despite any consequences or challenges of questions from others that they should do otherwise. I envy people who ignore the “but what-if’s” questions that come up all the time when they want to do something. There’s a bravery in them that I wish I had…that I’m struggling to have, frankly.
This year I turn 46. This year, a lot of things are happening in my little life…in my little corner of the world. To list them all would make me sound like a complainant in life’s court room, so I’ll refrain. Yet, in so saying, I feel disingenuous for admitting that I indeed have troubles in my life, because now you know.
Still, a litany of my troubles is not at issue, what is, is how I feel about what time I have left in my life. I’ve drifted this far on the back of simple fate, letting the wind blow me to where others needed me. But I’m no selfless saint. I’ve lost friends, I’ve made friends, I’ve upset family, I’ve been disloyal and selfish and self destructive as well. In fact, why do I deserve anything for myself at this late stage in my life? Because I believe this is all we have. That’s not to say that I should live fast, live hard, for tomorrow I may die and all else is folly. No. I’m no hedonist. I still believe there’s more to life than chasing pleasure. I now firmly believe in chasing meaning. There’s no word for that, that I’m aware of right now. Maybe there should be.
This year, I hope to chase meaning. I hope to grow closer to my brother and two sisters. I hope to be in contact with my aging parents during the twilight of their lives. I hope to fulfill a lifelong dream of returning to Africa to do Anthropology research, and to learn more about life in three weeks there with a local family, than I have in my 46 years. I hope to see my oldest son become everything he wants to become, and my middle son, and my youngest as well. In the face of all that is going on in my life, I have to have hope for whats left of my own future, as selfish and narcissistic as that sounds. I hope to eschew the feeling of guilt I always feel when I do something that I find meaningful.